Hey Friends! I am back! These last few months have been incredibly busy! I took some time to try and manifest my goals and dreams, and boy has a lot of stuff manifested! One awesome thing that I got to do was a performance for TEDxSaltLakeCity! It was such an amazing and exhilarating experience. To date, the TEDxSaltLakeCity is the biggest stage I have ever performed on, and I will tell you, I was so incredibly nervous. I even experienced a bit of impostor syndrome I was concerned that I had somehow and undeservedly ended up with this awesome opportunity! Shame on me! But, friends, once I stepped onto that stage and got into my zone....I was soaring! What an empowering and inspiring opportunity. I am so grateful for that day. I am so grateful for the opportunity to share my heart and my voice with such an incredible and beautiful community. But, most importantly, I am so grateful for the opportunity to be pushed towards the stars. I am grateful for the opportunity to experience growth and inspiration unlike any that I have ever felt before.
I am not good at talking about death. My mind and spirit do not process it well, and I find it hard to cope with. Honestly, I do not even know where to start. I have been heavily avoiding social media for the last week because the last thing I have the emotional capacity for is this.
I don't want to think about, let alone discuss the prevalent problem of police brutality against black bodies in this country. I don't want to think about how a man was killed while sitting in a car with his girl friend and her 4 year old daughter. I don't want to think about how another man was killed while being restrained on the ground after being arrested for selling CD's. I don't want to think about the countless number of graves that hold black folks who have been murdered because of a toxic and brutal ideology of racism which runs prevalent in this country. I most certainly don't want to think about how at any given moment, my own skin can fall victim to this same ideology.
I have been avoiding social media, and by default, this conversation for about a week now. For a week, I have been sitting in my thoughts and trying to sort them to make sense of all that I feel. Still, I am unable to do so. I don't really know what to say...except that I am so tired. I am angry. I am sad. But mostly, I am scared. Terrified, to be exact. It terrifies me that I am still alive. To be black and still alive is terrifying because at any moment your skin may fall victim to the inherently racist nature of this system. So, as I write, I am both fearful and exhausted. I do not know how to protect my people....I don't know how to protect myself.
So, it is with fearful conviction that I ask the question: How do I create change? How do WE create change? To be honest, I do not know. I don't condone or support violent retaliation. I don't support passivity, either. But, I am grateful for those who are on the front lines, creating visibility and voice for our communities and this prevalent issue.
I don't have an answer as to what we do from here. I feel suffocated. I feel lost. I feel helpless. So, all I can hope is that all of the protesting, demonstrating, talking, and writing can force change. I hope it can all bring about a change so drastic, that people who look like me do not feel the frigid feeling of wasted life when our bodies have fallen sacrifice to the God of hatred.
Addendum: This post has taken me two weeks to write. It sat as a draft, unfinished and timid, for several days before I could muster up the emotional energy to finish it. As I said, I am not good at talking about death...but I felt that this post needed to be written, for catharsis. Thank you for your empathy and your patience with me, as I spill myself out onto this webpage.
Well here we are. We made it! I did it! I finally turned this imagination place into a real, live internet place. My thoughts, my story, my journey have a home now...finally! For those of you who know (and also don't know) me, you may be hip to the fact that I have dabbled in the blogosphere for a while now. Yet, I have always been unsuccessful in producing a blog that I have been proud of. Until now. My friends, this website of mine is The One. It is my soulmate. My one and only. It has been chosen.
The old folks have a saying: "If God willing and the creek don't rise." This is usually said to assure another person of your commitment to whatever it is you are being obligated to. For instance, "I'll be at Sunday dinner if God willing and the creek don't rise!" This is to say that nothing but divine intervention or a natural disaster can keep me from showing up. It is with that same fervor and determination that I plan to use this space to document my journey.
I have spent a lot of these 26 years feeling homeless. I know what you're thinking and no...I don't mean homeless like I am physically without a place to live. I mean it in the deep down sense. It is a hard sentiment to put into words, but I'll try. When I say I have felt homeless, I mean that I have felt without a place to lay down my soul. I am constantly moving in and out of my thoughts and emotions without ever really settling them into their resting places. As a result, I sometimes find myself to be intangible. Like, I have this big misty idea of who I am and what I want....but it is less solid than it should be. I find it hard to get down into the core of me. Mainly, because when I meet the core of me...I'm not entirely sure I will want to be her friend. That's scary y'all. That thought is the one that has kept me from creating this blog. In fact, it has kept me from truly living. Honestly, that fear is what has kept me from opening myself up and breathing it all in. That fear has kept me caged up in myself and has not allowed me to set out to find home.
The old folks like to tell me that its okay because most 20 somethings feel this way for most of their 20's. But I rebuke that notion. I think its time for me to know what it means to settle down in myself and meet the core of me. I am finally ready to be her friend.
So, if God willing and the creek don't rise, I'm setting out on this journey to find Finley.